Happy 2nd Birthday DJ

First and foremost, let me say Happy New Year to all of you, my Ali’s Fashion Sense family. I hope you all had an amazing holiday season and have had a great start to a prosperous, successful 2018! It has been a whirlwind of a start to my 2018 (in the best way possible). My family and I moved to a new state (California) and new city (Carson, which is south of Los Angeles) on the other side of the country (from Warner Robins, GA).  We will discuss the move in a later blog post, but today we are shifting our focus to a very special individual in the Anderson household (which I'm sure you've figured out by now from the pictures). 

Today is the day a young king was born. The day that I was forced to say hello and goodbye to my sleeping angel…DJ! Can you believe he would have been 2 today? These past 2 years our family has had to learn how to try to reassemble the shattered pieces into a life that honors the legacy of our lost angel. While Grayson, our rainbow baby, has brought about much joy and laughter into our hearts and home, he is not, nor will he ever be a “replacement or substitute” for DJ. Just because you are blessed to have a rainbow baby does not mean the hurt, sadness, and pain evaporate with the baby you lost. In all honesty, as a baby loss parent/mom your heart operates on two separate frequencies; one of pure heartache from the loss of your precious baby and one of pure harmony and joy for the fact that you are/were able to birth a new life.

So on this day, January 18th, I want to honor my little munchkin and let him know, life has not been the same since the day I was forced to leave him behind in the hospital while I was rolled out empty handed and broken hearted. I think of him daily and wish he was around (in person) to experience the love and joy that we as a family (immediate and extended) have reserved just for him. I hope he knows that his presence is truly missed and that he is irreplaceable no matter how many additional children fill our home. Most importantly, I hope he knows just how much of an impact he has had on his daddy and I; and how we hope that through our lives we are able to be advocates of parents of baby loss and ultimately make him proud. 

*This photoshoot was a small token of love I've been planning since the end of last year, to show my baby boy DJ, just how much he means to our family. It was nice to honor him not only with my hubby but to have our rainbow baby Grayson take part to show respect to our little munchkin who is gone but certainly not forgotten. This is probably my favorite photoshoot I've done to - date because we were able to incorporate our tiny family of 3 + incorporate our angel all while being captured by my dad and mom (who was behind the scenes taking candid photos on my iPhone).*

GRAY FAUX FUR COAT//via H&M - old, similar here - BLACK DENIM//via GAP, similar here - BASEBALL T-SHIRTS (MEN'S, WOMEN'S, & TODDLER)// via Hobby Lobby -  "WE LOVE YOU DJ" GRAPHICS//via CraftyQueen (@CraftyQueen88) - FRINGE BOOTIES//gifted, similar here - SUNNIES//via Charming Charlie's, similar here for cheap

So this one is for you DJ! We love and miss you dearly! You will always be mommy and daddy’s first born son. We hold you in our thoughts, dreams, and hearts even though we long to hold you in our arms. Rest easy baby boy on your 2nd birthday! 

Hugs & Kisses DJ,
Love Mommy, Daddy, and Your Little Brother Grayson

If you have not heard DJ's story before I invite you to check out this podcast I did last February (2017) with my fellow baby loss advocate Jheanell from Angel Mom Alliance. It is a little lengthy but gives you a glimpse behind the dark side of pregnancy loss in a light - hearted way. 

P.S. 

To all parents: known (Mashira & Richard - Max, Alisha -Jamari, Elizabeth - Baby Ezra, Amanda & David - Baby Kendall Hope, Tiffany - Baby Eliot Jr. & Baby Elijah, Renee - Baby DJ, Jheanell - Baby Jolie) and unknown who have suffered loss in any capacity whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, infant loss or any other tragic situation this post is for you. I want you to know I am constantly praying that God will mend your broken hearts and that He will give you the peace to go on to make your angels proud! Here's to our sweet angels dwelling in the presence of God.

Reflections

This past week I accompanied my husband on a work trip to Fort Walton Beach/Destin, FL. The hotel we stayed at was literally on the beach and the view was simply impeccable. I literally woke up to the scenery, the sounds, and the smells of the Florida Straits daily. Just being around the beach made me begin to reflect on God's glorious wonders. I would wake up in the morning go sit on the balcony and just take in the beautiful sights of the Gulf of Mexico. I would hear the rolling of the waves crashing on the white sands. I would hear and see the seagulls flying around the clear blue sky. I would admire the endless supply of water that ran beyond my eyes reach. Taking in all the natural beauty made me begin to reflect on the 1st half of 2016.

It's been 6 months since my son gained his angel wings (I can't believe we are already halfway done with 2016, one thing is for sure, time does sure fly). From the day I found out I was pregnant with Derrek Jerrell Anderson Jr. (DJ) until the day he left this earth (and hereafter) he has had a permanent place within my heart (and the heart of my husband). I cannot sit here and say that the journey has been smooth sailing. Some days I feel like the weight of the world is crashing on me and I can't take another step while others I am simply grateful that a 1 lb 5 oz bundle of joy chose me and my husband as his parents, what an honor. While we never got to experience him "alive" he has given us life in so many ways. As time moves on and the days, months, and eventually years rack up his memory will forever be imprinted on our minds, hearts, and souls. He has forever changed my husband and I for the better. He taught me to appreciate the little things... the sound of the waves, the site of fluffy white clouds in the sky, the smell of salt by the sea, the feeling of sand between my toes, the continuous breaths I take, and the love and support I receive on a daily basis from my husband, family, friends, and even you, the readers of my blog. He also taught me to stay connected with God because He ultimately is the one who will see you through on your darkest days! Lastly, he taught me to cherish the life I was given. There are so many things that go unnoticed that  we can be grateful for but it's truly all about our perception of the situation. It's all about seeing life through an optimistic lens. 

While I miss my baby EVERY SINGLE DAY (there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him) I cherish the time we were able to spend together and look forward to the day I will see his face again. Until then I plan to live my life with purpose. I WILL chase after all my wildest dreams. I WILL spread love and joy to this dark world, and I WILL make my son proud by being the BEST version of me that I can be! I will always love you DJ.

*As we embark on the second half of this year my prayer for you today is that your second leg of 2016 will be filled with an increase of love, joy, accomplishments of goals, friendship, and sunshine. I pray that your good days outnumber your bad ones. I decree that we will finish the year on top! It's your time to go out and be great starting today! #Finishstrong

Xoxo,

Ali